Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Cel mai bun an

2009 a fost un an nasol. Nu mi-a prea placut deloc. A inceput cu un revelion jalnic, un ianuarie cu deadline-uri obscene, o primavara ciudata in care poate mi-am permis sa cred cat de putin si am luat-o in bot. Am apucat sa calatoresc putin vara si asta e singura mea sursa de imagini frumoase despre anul asta tampit. Am facut greseala de a nu-mi recunoaste limitele si proastele obiceiuri. Am incercat sa parasesc anul cu inima impacata, dar inca sunt multe lucruri pe care vreau sa le invat.
Cred sincer ca anul viitor este loc de speranta. De schimbari pe care sa le caut si sa le intampin. Sunt atat de multe lucruri pe care nu vreau sa le repet. In primul rand nu mai vreau sa ma dau batuta. Nu mai vreau sa pierd prieteni sau sa dezamagesc oameni care au investit in mine. Nu mai vreau sa-mi fac rau singura. Dar cel mai mult vreau sa-mi mentin atentia indreptata spre lucrurile pe care vreau sa le obtin. Sa imi dau voie din nou sa visez. Sa gasesc un milion de motive sa lucrez mai mult. Sa tin langa mine doar pe cei care merita.
E 00:00 si a mai ramas o zi din 2009. O zi in care sa fac planuri si poate sa ma mai uit la o fotografie-doua. O zi in care sa-mi promit ca voi profita de ce mi-o aduce 2010. Maine incepe cel mai bun an de pana acum.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Working class hero

I went for a walk with my family and then over to my new apartment to check out how the redecorating is going. It's all making me feel so empty. I go to bed and wake up in the morning thinking about how happy I am, how quiet is this time in my life, when I'm not yet paying any bills, have no place I have to be and can just lay in bed with a book or whatever else it is that I do with my time these days. I'm going to miss it. The noise in the kitchen that wakes me up in the morning, the fun in being around my brother, the absence of worries.
Flipping through InStyle, I remembered why I've been avoiding fashion magazines all along these past months. There was a watch that cost more than an apartment and I felt so angry thinking of the inequalities that make a market for such a product possible. I finally get the whole dancing and singing Big Brother thing. Keeping us doped with advertising, with dreams of little attainable things makes us so much easier to control. So much can be taken away from us in the mean time, cause we'd be willing to give away things we thought we had plenty of until we wake up one day and it's not there anymore. Can you win your innocence back? Can we now say we have all the time on our hands to enjoy the wealth we paid time for? These are superficial examples. But there are days when we just say to ourselves I guess it's all right if this guy is a self-righteous prick, I mean most people are in the end. And that day when we are not repulsed or angry about what stands against our own values we die a bit.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

TV shows and other blabla

I haven't touched the camera in weeks, so I'm out of photos. I'm one more day behind with that deadline, but somehow I couldn't care less. I keep thinking about academics and how I don't really fit in the picture. But I guess that's something time will tell.
Yesterday I watched the new episodes of my two favorite shows. I've been in love with detective stories and forensic witchcraft ever since I was a little kid. Actually, when other girls wanted to be ballet dancers I wanted to be Jessica Fletcher, only like thirty years younger. To solve murders and write books. I guess now I'd wanna be more Temperance Brennan, still solving murders and writing books, but add some beauty and money plus the sometimes social awkwardness due to way over average intelligence and knowledge.
Mkay, so I'm off for some Supernatural beefcake ;)

Friday, December 11, 2009

Do you believe in life after love?

After having "Oh, Susana" playing on and on in my head for days, today it's Cher. It's like the annoying songs of my childhood have all decided to haunt me this winter. I'm trying to counterbalance it by caroling around the house. Problem is I start humming on the street as well. Yesterday it was "Take me to the riot". It's a hell of a musical December.
So I was thinking of a smashing holiday schedule, which includes children movies, lots of food and occasionally some witty jazz. But that's for next week, cause I'm so caught up with procrastinating right now. I'm even three days behind on a mid-something paper deadline. My procrastination today includes tortellini and shopping for bathroom accessories. Moving out next month has given me such an amazing list of projects to set in motion and then drop before they're done. Like making a catalog of all the books in the house. Or chronologically ordering my classes and projects of the last like ten years. Stuff that implies paper and dust and a bitter taste of guilt for all those trees.
Whatever I had on my mind when I started writing this post is lost somewhere but I guess it was in one way or another just bragging about my very own place. I'm getting the room painted as well and I've been obsessed with peach for a long time. But this morning I was thinking it's either too pink and girlish, either too beige and boring. I found some awesome examples on the web and now I think it's actually more of an orange, which makes it both feng shui and trendy (hahahahaha). Anyway, it may have actually been a great idea all along. It does require a change of plans in terms of rug and curtains, but oh, well, if I can't do plans, what the hell am I good at?
The kids start holiday today, but I just had to leave my presentation for the last minute, so now I'm still going next week. Somehow I guess I do like it, especially when I'm heading home and the whole city is on fire. It is crazy, but man how I love those Christmas lights. The snowflakes, the bells, the crazy colored trees. I wonder if there's some reindeer this year anywhere. Never been one for winter holidays, but this year is the first time I don't have work to do and I'm gonna lazy around them bravely.
I've read Palahniuk's "Diary" and I did love his writing, but I guess there's always expectations after reading a book or two. I maybe wanted his writing to be so violent it makes my head spin, to leave the meanings behind the line of obvious, to be drawn into almost snuff stories. Instead, I found a recipe that was pretty predictable, a story of a community ruthlessly striving for independence and well-being, an underlying discourse of exploitation of women as housewives, as scapegoats, as free sources of production mainly through marriage. Of course, what I read is so much of my own mind and I bet one of the wonderful things about his art is that you can be terrified and amused at the same time, looking at larger meaning or just experiencing sensations.
OMG I can't wait for snow. The house wine and gingerbread taste different after a day of sleighing. I feel that all the mean energy of this year is already fading away and the next one's gonna be a blast.
Well, I've had time to think it through and maybe I'm too good for you.