Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It's not that hard to make it at CEU. It's not hard to keep the pace here. But it's stupid to assume it's gonna work out when you're shy, lazy and cognitively challenged. It works when you're a charismatic hard-working witty person. Which I failed to see most students here are. Exams were not hard. They were designed to separate the amoebas from the homo sapiens. It's funny that even when you're not used to being the smartest person in the room or have no elementary self-confidence, you can still be surprised of how defective your upper engine is. However things turn out, I know I don't belong here. But I guess that's easy to tell from my crybaby attitude lately.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
How much more can one toughen up? I'm a marshmallow. I hold on too tight to people. I used to think giving in to loving them means losing my grip. Seems like now I have too many strings attached. I'm scared and not funny. You were right. I brought all this on myself. But it's not for being selfish. It's because I'm not strong enough to be selfish. It's because I care so much that even places and objects can hurt me. If one day I'll turn tough, I'll learn how to ask for change. I'll not care and is that really who I'll be?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
It's where I stand alone. With no fear of judgment, with no fear of being wrong. Where I can be undressed and forgo all manners. It just happened that I wasn't alone all the time. But that was a long time ago. And I've learned so much ever since. I've become acquainted with the patterns of my mistakes, the small bugs that make me go wild. So here's learning to be be a good girl. I'm keeping all the wild for myself. I'm keeping it all to myself. I sometimes open some doors. Sometimes, when special people come along. Just when I was about to say the "having you as my friends makes me want to be a better person, I'm grateful you're in my life" speech, it makes sense that I drew back behind those walls. People don't build walls because they want the worthy ones to climb them. We build walls because we want to be left alone.